Signs you are meant to be

October 27, 2021

40+ Signs You’re Destined to Be Together

Many people believe that they have a soulmate, someone who is made specifically for them.

When you meet your other half and feel as if the world has finally come into balance, it’s easy to assume this person was predestined just for you — but how can you tell?

Here are the signs that you’re destined to be together, as shared by experts.

Elisa Robyn, PhD

Elisa Robyn

Consultant | Coach

You feel safe alone and safe in public with this person

This might sound redundant, but actually, these are two different situations in which you want to trust this person. When you are alone, do you know you are honored, respected, and safe? That is step one.

What about when you are with other people? You should feel the same way, rather than shamed or at risk in some way. A person can be lovely in private but put us down in public or put us in physical danger.

Conversely, we might be uncomfortable in private but find the person to be charming in public. When we are secure in both settings, we know the relationship is meaningful, and the other person is being honest with us.

You enjoy being together and also enjoy your time alone

When we are connected to someone at a deep level, we love being with them, but also feel supported and full when we are alone. We each have our own friends and activities and enjoying sharing this information when we are together.

You have stopped looking for a soul mate and the perfect person

There are numerous people in the world who might have a soul mate relationship, but this does not mean we will be in an intimate relationship with them.

When we fall in love with someone without trying to make them our best friend, confidant, soulmate, lover, mentor, and a dozen other things, we are falling in love with who they are.

When we fall in love with a person without trying to change, modify or justify them, and the same is true for them, we are meant to be together.

When we look past their quirks and love their character

Can you separate a person’s quirks and see their character, and can they do the same for you? Does one of you collect sports memorabilia while the other fills the house with seashells and rocks?

Those are quirks, not indications of a person’s character. It is more important to know they are honest and share your values.

You have shared dreams for the future

This might be the strongest link that holds people together. Not only do we share values, love each other’s character, be proud of our partner, feel supported and valued, but we share dreams for the future.

Amber Artis

Amber Artis photo

Certified Matchmaker & Relationship Expert | CEO, Select Date Society

You feel “at home” when you’re together

When you are destined to be together, there is a sense of safety and belonging when you are in each other’s presence. You have a sense that you could live anywhere with this person, and it would feel like home.

Your partner is your safe place

They are the one person that you can share anything with. You can talk about your hopes, dreams, failures, and secrets. When you are with the right person, you can share openly without fear of judgment.

You laugh easily together

I’ve successfully matched over 2,000 couples, and one common thread they all have is the ability to laugh easily together. When you are with the right person, they understand your sense of humor.

You are both willing to work on the relationship

Even the best relationships will face challenges and go through difficult times. When you’re with the right person, you both remain committed to making things work even when it may be easier to just walk away.

You have a strong physical attraction that stays strong even after you’ve been together for years

Some relationships start with intense chemistry that fades over time. When you are destined to be together, that initial attraction doesn’t go away. In fact, it may even become stronger after spending decades together.

Related: 28 Signs of Good Chemistry Between a Man and a Woman

The two of you bring balance to each other’s lives

One of you may be type A, and the other one is more laid back. You may be outgoing, and your partner may be an introvert. The best relationships are made up of two different people whose strengths make up for the other’s weaknesses.

You don’t have to pretend to be someone you’re not when you are together

I have a friend who hides his cigar habit when he begins dating someone new. I know that when he finally meets someone who he doesn’t have to hide things from, she’ll be “the one!”

When you are with the person you are destined to be with, you can be yourself completely.

They make you a better version of yourself

You can be yourself with this person, but they inspire you to be even more! Their love and support motivate you to grow together and have you striving to be the best version of you!

Todd and Diana Mitchem

Todd and Diana Mitchem

Certified Relationship Coaches and Advisors, Peak Relationship Center

Finding new love and building a robust, long-lasting relationship takes effort and time to nurture. However, we notice three distinct signs early in a relationship that demonstrate a couple will have staying power.

Understanding is at the forefront

The first three months of any relationship are very telling.

  • Does your new partner argue frequently?
  • Are they impatient?
  • Do they seem annoyed about your little quirks?

These would be bad indicators.

However, if you have a new partner who is always focused on:

  • understanding you
  • understanding your ideas
  • understanding your thinking

These will be a powerful indicator of compatibility.

This understanding focus will manifest in different ways, but if immediately your partner seeks to understand rather than judge or stop your comments, this is a good sign.

Your priorities align

This is a key and often overlooked moment in an early relationship. When people first meet, they usually do just about anything the other wants them to do. But the couples we see who have staying power naturally have the same priorities in life and relationship.

Misaligning on this topic is a problem.

For example, a woman who defines partnership as a dedicated love relationship where each person makes time for the other, they both share home duties, and romance is vital, would not do well to be in a relationship with a partner who wanted to put work first, and who sees the partnership as one of the many aspects of their lives rather the most important aspect.

Priority alignment in critical areas like where to live, time together, kids, holiday gatherings, seeing extended family, money, and kind of lifestyle are all key indicators of a great or terrible relationship.

Sexual compatibility

Many people don’t want to talk about this critical topic, but we have seen many a love relationship fall apart over misaligned sexual desires. Sexual compatibility is a crucial component to making a partnership work in the long term. We do not subscribe to the idea that sexual desire should fade over time.

Related: 10 Great Sex Tips for a Happy Relationship (Turn Bedroom Blues into Blue Skies)

In fact, we feel the opposite. Sexual desire is an extension of a loving relationship. Therefore, it must be robust and aligned with each partner. This concept goes beyond the first year of a relationship or a marriage.

Certainly, in the early stages of a new partnership, people may be more giving and adventurous in their sex life, but after the first year, sexual desire, amount of sex, and kinds of sexual activity should remain aligned.

Rev. Martin L. Dunne III, M.Div., CPA

Martin Dunne

Author, “What Could a Priest Know About Marriage?

They make you feel safe, at home, comfortable, and at peace

No matter how good you and the other together may seem “on paper,” a must for your relationship to be destiny is this intangible, indescribable quality that is the greatest contributor to your being in love.

It is a feeling which makes you feel safe, at home, comfortable, and (most especially) at peace.

You delight in them as they are

Something about them, that you can’t quite completely describe, gives you such a fire within you that you want to spend each moment with them, such that, “forever’s not enough!”

You don’t just accept all of who the other is, you delight in them—as they are! This especially includes traits that they, may feel even feel insecure about. You love everything about them because it’s them.

They motivate you to be the best you could be

The realization that you found the greatest treasure in the other spurs you to be better—to be the best you could be! You find yourself having a motivation you know you could not receive in any better way! You’re driven to look “under every stone” to find the best ways you are able to love the other in every possible way!

You want to be radically transparent with them

The single best way to love is to be radically transparent with them. You are overwhelmed with this delightful desire to share with them everything, even those parts you are not proud of sharing. You hold absolutely nothing back because you want to become one with this person!

The things you have dismissed as “no big deal” before are a big deal now

Holding nothing back includes this burning desire for doing everything you possibly can to be the best you can be. In a particular way, you are driven to free yourself of any and all vices which prevent you from being the best version of yourself.

Things that may have been dismissed as, “no big deal” before are a big deal now because you realize the object of your love deserves nothing less than the best. Whatever the pain or cost involved, you, comparatively speaking, do not care.

You joyfully persevere in your hope that your beloved will be the main source to help you achieve this freedom!

You are willing to do anything for this person

The word, “sacrifice” means “to make holy.” You are willing to do anything, short of selling your soul, for this person. You even delight in the pain you may feel, as it is the deepest expression of how your love is holding nothing back.

You’re not looking for anything in return; you just want to love

Integrity can be a sacrificial way doing what you are meant to do at all times—even when no one is looking! Even if you think no one would ever know about you making the wrong choice (or even making the right choice), you make the right choice anyway.

Even if the one you love never knows you did the good things and avoided the bad, you actually delight in the reality that everything, even those things that go completely unnoticed, are the expressions of just how deep your love is! You’re not looking for anything in return. You just want to love!

You both are striving to give everything you can in every way possible

This is the most important requirement of them all! The other has to feel the same way (zing, delight, motivation, transparency, fire, and sacrifice) every bit as strongly as you do!

Regardless of who may be giving more on any particular day, what matters the most is that both are striving to give everything they feel they can give in every way possible.

Your relationship gives joy

Couples that are meant to be together can’t help but radiate a love that uplifts those around them. I’ve seen, numerous times, couples of all ages that just can’t help but uplift everyone around them. Over and over I’ve seen these strangers smile in a way you usually only witness in a newborn baby.

Your relationship gives joy, but more importantly it gives hope! What can be a better sign of the legitimacy of your relationship?

Michelle Fedrizzi

Reiki Master and Life Coach | Founder and Owner, Auric

Nowadays, there are so many options for people to choose from that it could be overwhelming, especially because it’s right at our fingertips which makes instant gratification a thing!

Have you been craving and wanting your one true lover- but can’t seem to know if you have found the right one or if there are still plenty of options in the sea to choose from?

Here are a few ways to know for sure that you were destined to be together to put your mind at ease:

You and your partner share the same values and principles

This is important to share the same values because if one person believes honesty is important and the other does not share that same value, then it will destroy the relationship.

Most of the time, relationships do not work out because you do not share the same values.

Get to know your person and ask them first what values do they hold dear to themselves and see if yours align- if they do then you have found another clue as to this is your person!

The two of you love to travel and experience adventures and foods together

It is rare for two parties to love the same things, from food to travel ideas, and of course, travel tells us if we share the same type of idea of fun.

If you two love to go on adventures and travel together and sync up through travel with no arguments that is another sure sign that you are destined to travel the world and create adventures together!

You both are committed to become a better version of yourself for yourself and your partner

Relationships take work, and both parties have to be committed to doing the work no matter how hard it gets. When you are both willing to show up and committed to the end, that is a great sign that you two are destined to be and stay together!

You see signs of this person everywhere you go, the two of you always can read each other’s minds and there is a strong powerful force between the two of you. This person is your other half and because of that you will always see reminders of them but also when you are together things magically come together so easily and effortlessly.

No matter how many times life pulls you apart you always come back together and even better than before. Life happens but when two people are meant to be together the universe always makes a way for them to be together. You can not stay away from each other for too long.

Sam Whittaker

Relationship Expert and Editor, Mantelligence

Falling in love is one of the best feelings in the world. What’s even better is when you know you’re in love with the one you’re destined to be with. It feels like it’s hard to find “the one,” but there are signs to watch out for.

Here are four signs you’re destined to be together:

You can be vulnerable to each other

If you’re able to spill out all your deepest and darkest secrets, and it feels liberating, it’s a good sign. If you trust someone and can confide in your partner without any awkward air, there’s a deeper connection there.

You can argue respectfully

It’s normal for couples to fight now and then. No relationship’s perfect in that sense. It’s part of the relationship.

Related: How Often Do Couples Argue or Fight in a Healthy Relationship

However, when you agree to disagree when fighting, it means the connection is making you both mature. You don’t end the day without concluding a fight. You both respect each other’s side.

Your values align

Nothing’s more important than having your values align with someone. It’s hard to be with someone who doesn’t share your values. If your values align even to the smallest detail, being with each other is the right thing.

You fit like a puzzle

You share the same interests, but your differences complement each other. There’s no better way to explain it. If you work together like a puzzle, you’re meant to be together.

Francisco Remolino

Francisco Remolino

Licensed Insolvency Trustee, Remolino Associates

You respect each other’s different perspectives

My wife and I don’t always see eye-to-eye. However, I know our relationship is meant to last because we argue respectfully.

We’ve always allowed the other person to speak his/her mind but over the years, we’ve come to appreciate each other’s different perspectives. This has only made us each other even more and our relationship has become stronger in the process.

Bottom line: Couples in a mature relationship are destined to be together when they can respect each other’s different perspectives, when they become curious instead of furious.

Ray Sadoun

Ray Sadoun

Medical Reviewer & Addiction Advocate, OK Rehab

How they make you feel and behave

  1. You feel safe in their presence
  2. You never want to say goodbye
  3. If you could choose to spend time with anyone in the world, it would be them
  4. You are willing to deal with their flaws if it means you get to be loved by them
  5. You want to take care of them in any way you can
  6. After a bad day, they are the only person you want to see
  7. You have made them one of the top priorities in your life
  8. Even after an argument, you know that you would choose them over anyone
  9. You do not need to be doing anything exciting to enjoy spending time with them
  10. You stick by each other through thick and thin

How you make them feel and behave

  1. They light up when they get to see you
  2. They text or call you just to ask how you are
  3. They gloat about you to their family and friends
  4. They talk about building a future with you
  5. Their loved ones say that they have never looked happier
  6. They feel comfortable expressing their deepest emotions around you
  7. They defend you even when you are not there
  8. They support you with your goals and ambitions
  9. They put in the effort to arrange dates
  10. When you feel like a failure, they remind you of your worth

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The Editors


How to Deal With False Accusations in a Relationship

Photo of authorBy The EditorsUpdated on June 30, 2021

False accusations in a relationship are scary and heartbreaking; Knowing how best to handle it can be challenging.

If this has happened to you or someone close, here are helpful ways that might help ease the situation, as discussed by experts.

Table of Contents

Isabelle Morley, PsyD

Isabelle Morley

Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Make sure you understand what they’re claiming before you respond

Our instinct is to be defensive and angry when someone wrongly accuses us of something, but this response usually doesn’t help. In fact, it can actually make the person think that you did do something wrong and are trying to hide it or turn the tables on them.

So listen to what they are saying, no matter how upset they are and how unfair the accusation is. Ask clarifying questions if you need to, and make sure you understand what they’re claiming before you respond.

Empathize the accusation then speak your side

Even if the accusation is wrong and hurtful, your partner thinks that it’s true, and they are probably upset. It helps to lower their defenses and bring the conversation down to a calmer level if you start with some empathy.

For example, “I get that you think I lied about where I was last weekend, and I see how hurt and disappointed that makes you feel. I hate seeing you feel this way.”

Then, say your side: “When you checked my location, it showed that I was at my apartment because I ran out the door and forgot my phone at home. I did go to lunch with my friend, but didn’t have my phone with me, and that’s why my location looked like my apartment and also why I didn’t answer your text until later that day.”

Stand your ground

If your partner accuses you of lying to cover up what they think is the truth, it’s time to kindly but firmly stand your ground. Try to stay calm and grounded as you continue to reinforce the truth of the situation.

And don’t agree to anything you don’t feel comfortable with.

In a lot of my work, I hear partners demanding to see the other person’s phone, so they can look for evidence. If you don’t feel okay with them reading through your texts, don’t agree to have full access to your phone. If they can’t trust you without invading your privacy, you’ve got bigger problems.

If you’ve wronged them before, start explaining

If you’ve hurt your partner in the past, and especially if you then lied about it, you’ll need to do some more explaining. Your partner has a real reason not to trust you, and you may need to work to regain their trust.

For example, if you’ve cheated on them before and they accuse you of doing it again, you might need to have that friend confirm you were at lunch that afternoon.

Discuss any trust issues

If your partner continues to accuse you of something you didn’t do, it’s time to have a more serious discussion about trust in your relationship.

  • Do they have a reason to think that you lied? Or were they lied to in their previous relationships, and now they assume the worst in their partners?
  • Are there underlying instabilities or insecurities in your relationship that need to be addressed?

Healthy relationships don’t involve recurring false accusations, and if it becomes a frequent event, you’ll either need to restore some baseline trust or decide if this is a relationship that is going to work for you.

Mariell R. Lehman

Mariell Lehman

Attorney and Partner, Smith Lehman, PC

Yes means no?

“She (or he) said yes!” Normally those words are associated with the joyous announcement of an engagement, but in our line of work, those words have a very different and gut-wrenching meaning. They are words exclaimed in defense of an accusation of rape.

“She said yes!”
“He asked me to!”
“I’m very careful not to pressure anyone into anything!”
“I would never rape someone!”

These are all things that we have heard sitting across from professionals and young people in our office. We have noticed a substantial increase in allegations of date rape over the last several years – especially with the increased popularity of dating apps and social media.

“Date rape” takes a few different forms but is most often used to describe an alleged sexual assault on someone who the alleged perpetrator is sleeping with, dating casually, or in a relationship with.

More often than not, we find that these alleged incidents involve the consumption of alcohol or drugs by one or both people, a sexual act, and buyer’s remorse – feelings of regret for engaging in the sexual act. We have also seen allegations in cases where the accuser is in a relationship with someone else and doesn’t want to get caught cheating.

They’d rather falsely accuse someone of a serious crime than accept responsibility for their drunken, consensual actions.

There are, however, instances where an incident of date rape has actually occurred. In these situations, we find most often that both parties were under the influence and not aware that the other party could not consent. The laws of many states take intoxication into consideration and make clear that an intoxicated person is unable to consent.

In Michigan, for example, an intoxicated individual cannot legally consent. Therefore, if someone is accused of having intercourse with someone who was intoxicated at the time, even if the person said yes, the accused could be charged with Criminal Sexual Conduct Third Degree.

Most Michigan college and university campuses have policies related to intoxication as it relates to consent as well. The University of Michigan clearly defines the level of intoxication that would negate consent and result in a violation of Title IX.

The Police

Police: She [He] told us that she [he] told you to stop.
Accused: But, she (or he) consented!

Police: She [He] said that you raped her [him]. Why don’t you come in and talk to us about it so we can get your side of the story.
Accused: I didn’t rape her (or him).

Police: We will be investigating this and let you know when we’re done. For now, don’t contact her [him].
Accused: Why is this happening?!?!

Police: We have a warrant for your arrest.
Accused: My life is over!

Normally, the police will call you and say that there has been an accusation made against you. Then they ask if you will talk with them about it. They’ll tell you that you’re not under arrest but that they want to get your side of the story.

The pitch is very convincing, and most people think that there is no harm in talking to the police because they haven’t done anything wrong. The police count on this and will use their interrogation techniques to their benefit, not yours.

Often, our clients that have spoken to the police before retaining us have found that their words have been twisted and used against them. Sometimes our clients have even admitted to crimes without realizing it because they didn’t have the benefit of having an attorney to prepare them for the techniques that would be used.

Protect yourself – in as many ways as possible

The good news is that just because you are accused of something like this does not mean that your life is over. Here are some tips to protect yourself:

  • Don’t engage in drunk hookups – yes, we realize that this is unreasonable to many, but it is one of the best ways to ensure that neither party will claim they were too drunk or didn’t consent.

Know your state’s and campus’s laws and policies about consent as it relates to intoxication or incapacitation.

  • Keep your text messages – practically every person texts these days, and these can be incredibly helpful to paint a more accurate picture of events leading up to the alleged assault.

We cannot stress this enough. We have had numerous cases in which our client’s texts with the accuser painted a much more accurate picture of the events that led up to the accusation. In the majority of the cases in which this happens, our client is cleared of wrongdoing by the police, prosecutor, judge, or jury.

  • Don’t talk to the police without a lawyer – most lawyers would say don’t talk to the police. The truth is that sometimes it is necessary. However, an accused individual should never talk to the police without a lawyer.

You don’t know the techniques used by the police, but your lawyer does, or at least they should. Let your lawyer make the decision about whether or not you make a statement. If he or she decides that you will be making a statement, let him/her prepare you for what you are walking into.

  • Don’t hire a cardiologist to perform neurosurgery – this is something that we say to our clients a lot. None of us would have a cardiologist operate on our brains. That’s just ridiculous, right?

Regardless of the state you are in, sex crimes defense is an incredibly complex and unique area of law with immensely high stakes. For these reasons, you want a lawyer that focuses their practice on sex crime defense.

Carrie Leaf, MS, LMFT

Carrie Leaf

Psychotherapist | Life Coach | Hypnotherapist

Don’t add fuel to the fire

Your partner is likely already heated up, don’t add fuel to the fire. The minute that we raise our voices or go into defense mode is the same minute that we lose our ability to listen carefully, and your IQ drops.

When we are falsely accused, it might be our knee-jerk reaction to go into defense mode. This won’t help the situation.

In fact, if we get extremely defensive, it could lead our partner to believing even more so that we are guilty. In order to stay calm and regulate yourself, try to take a few long, deep breaths to slow down your central nervous system and buy the time to think before you speak.

Remind yourself that this isn’t fact, and it is your choice whether to get upset about the accusation or not. Your response could be a pivotal point in this discussion. The pause between the accusation and your response can make a world of difference so try your best to allow that space.

If you are struggling to deep breathe and regulate yourself, it might be best to ask for a minute to go to the bathroom or step outside for fresh air. If you decide to ask for this time, be sure to reassure your partner that you plan to come back and talk about this issue and that you are not avoiding it.

Kindly and calmly reassure your partner that the accusation is false

If you have information to back up your end, share that information in a kind and matter-of-fact way. A kind way to start off might be something like, “I am sorry that you are thinking and feeling this way, I assure you that…”

Pay close attention to your non-verbal cues and tone of voice

The expression on our face and our body language speaks volume and can also escalate or de-escalate a situation. Some Dont’s would include:

  • Do not raise your voice.
  • Do not cross your arms.
  • Do not move closer to your partner in an aggressive way.
  • Do not give a glare.
  • Do not roll your eyes.
  • Do not give a heavy sigh.
  • Do not look away disinterested.

Some Do’s would include:

  • Do face your partner
  • Do make eye contact
  • Do use a soft voice
  • If you move towards your partner – do it in a slow, gentle way

Ask your partner why they would think such information to be true

Most likely, this accusation did not come from nowhere, though it may feel that way on your end. Even if there was nothing that you said or did that led to this accusation, it could be a projection on your partner’s end. In other words, your partner could be projecting their fears and worries onto you and your perceived behaviors.

Perhaps your partner has an anxious/insecure attachment style that originated in their younger years, or perhaps your partner has been cheated on, lied to, abused, etc., in the past.

Projecting our “stuff” onto our partners happens all of the time. Maybe with curiosity, the two of you can gently explore where this accusation may have come from.

Have empathy

Let your partner know that you understand it must not feel good to have these thoughts and feelings and that you don’t want them to feel that way.

If you are able to have an open and honest conversation about where the accusation came from, this could lead to some really good vulnerability and connection between the two of you. Understanding, active listening, and forgiveness will be key here.

Ask your partner if there is anything that they need from you to help them through this situation. Maybe they just need a hug.

Joseph Gutheinz

Joseph Gutheinz

Former Commissioned Member of the Texas State Council on Sex Offender Treatment | Lawyer, Gutheinz Law Firm, LLP

It is best to either walk away or take precautions

I am a criminal defense attorney who has handled false kidnapping, sexual assault, aggravated assault, burglary, etc., charges filed by one unhappy partner against another to get leverage in a divorce, child custody battle, a property dispute, or simply out of spite.

I advise my clients dealing with such manipulative and vindictive partners to get on the bus Gus, and get your self-gone. Unfortunately, that advice is usually too late as a fictitious story has already been created and given to the police.

When dealing with a viper, it is best to either walk away or take precautions, such as meeting in public with witnesses present or otherwise documenting the encounter.

I once had a client charged with climbing into a girlfriend’s apartment window, raping her, and then kidnapping her. Pretty bad, right?

The government’s case began to fall apart when that “victim,” in the middle of the alleged kidnapping, walks into a store alone, buys cigarettes, and then walks out and drives the car away with my client in the passenger seat.

Fortunately, I was able to get the store video, and we prevailed.

In Texas, it is a third-degree felony to choke someone and, in the process, impede breathing. This is a charge that pops up quite a bit in child custody battles, and I have received several of these cases under those circumstances. Long story short, if you are in the middle of a child custody battle and this allegation is thrown in, the accused party likely will not get the kids. I have taken several of these cases to the grand jury and obtained N0-Bills on each.

Relationships can be the best thing that ever happens to two people or the worst, and you must be in a relationship before you learn which way it will turn out.

I was married when I was just 20 years old, and for me, it was a blessing. I love my wife today as much, if not more, than when I married her. Of course, like every couple, we argue over money, property, and kids, but the arguments were productive, nonviolent, and those arguments brought us closer together.

I have friends in my line of work who are bachelors, and seeing the seedy side of marriage, as I do now from the lawyer’s perspective, will never marry. I have told them that they have tunnel vision and that there are relationships out there that are worth the risk but to no avail.

It is 1:07 p.m. in the afternoon, and what have I already had to deal with:

  • One kid that accidentally shot another and they are both friends;
  • A man crying on the phone because his wife left him;
  • A couple who brought criminal charges against each other (mutual assured destruction);
  • A man and woman in a custody battle where criminal charges are suddenly brought by one against the other.

I remind my clients that before they were the worst of enemies, they were the best of friends and that a relationship need not end in a bang but with a handshake as both recall why they came together in the first place.

David Clark

David Clark

Personal Injury Lawyer Veteran | Lawyer & Partner, The Clark Law Office

You can file a case against the other person for libel or slander depending on how it was committed

In the case at bar, false accusation, even in a relationship, can be construed as a civil wrong. When your partner falsely accuses you and such accusation is made known to another, damaging your reputation in the process, then it constitutes slander or oral defamation.

If such an accusation is made in writing or published even on social media, it constitutes libel.

Even when such a false accusation is made by someone you are in a relationship with, it is still considered a civil wrong, and you can file a case against the other person for libel or slander depending on how it was committed.

Most states like California consider a false accusation or imputation of a crime as defamation per se or inherently damaging. In defamation per se, a damaged reputation is presumed without the need for proof. On the other hand, defamation per quod is considered as not defamatory on its face, so additional proof of damage is needed. In Michigan, a false accusation constitutes a misdemeanor.

You, as the plaintiff, have the burden of proving that there was defamatory negligence or that the defendant knew that the accusation or statement was false, that you were clearly identified, that there was an oral or written publication and that your reputation was damaged. The defendant can, however, claim the absolute defenses of truth and consent.

If you have been falsely accused in a relationship, make sure it is well-documented. Get a copy if it was published, and consult with a lawyer to protect your rights.

Dean Tong, MSc., CFC

Dean Tong

Forensic Trial Consultant, Abuse-Excuse | Master of Science Degree in Child Forensic Studies in Psychology and the Law | Author, “Elusive Innocence: Survival Guide for the Falsely Accused

Be proactive in protecting yourself from false accusation

In the current climate with America’s paranoia and anxiety on steroids due to the COVID-19 pandemic, we are still living in a world of he-said-she-said. That means you’re one false accusation away from:

  • Possibly being arrested for a crime you did not commit.
  • Being prosecuted, convicted, sent to prison, and registered as a sex offender.
  • Losing your child(ren) to Child Protective Services (CPS) and possibly having your parental rights terminated.
  • Losing your job and having your story published offline and online.

Not to mention the financial, physical, and mental toll it may cause. So, it’s incumbent upon individuals within families, especially when separation, divorce, and/or a protracted child custody battle is forthcoming, to play Private Eye, in part. It will help protect your freedom, children, and sanity.

How does a person protect himself/herself in a relationship from a false accusation? An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, so I’m a firm believer in being proactive.

  • Wear a body cam because you need accountability

However, before doing so, keep in mind to check the taping laws in your State with your Attorney (if you have one) before taping your significant other without their approval.

  • Install a Family Safety Tracker App on your smartphone
  • Install mini-audio/video cams inside and outside the premises of your residence when your significant other is away at work, shopping, et al.
  • Install (even if you have to have an ASE-certified auto technician do so) the Zoombak GPS tracker underneath the family vehicle.
  • Create a Timeline (journal or chronology by dates/events in your computer) and note any different or unusual signs, symptoms, and/or behaviors of your significant other and your children. Most of my high-conflict Court battles involving false accusations involve kids.
  • Retain an Attorney who can practice in Criminal and Family Court and do so “for criminal interference purposes” to help prevent your arrest based on hearsay from your significant other and/or children.

Additionally, the Attorney can be proactive and contact CPS and the local District Attorney’s Office/Police Department to “forewarn” these decision-makers a complaint may be forthcoming.

  • Consider retaining Experts who can work with your Attorney and who can “psychologically and psychosexually” test the accused (de novo) to have empirical raw test data the accused doesn’t possess the propensity or penchant to be the monster the other adult or child(ren) may be or is/are painting you to be.
  • Provide a signed and notarized Affidavit to your Attorney accounting for where you’ve been, dates/times and places, and with whom.
  • Obtain Affidavits or references from your closest family members/friends (especially those who are Mandated Child Abuse Reporters like Physicians, Nurses, Therapists, Teachers, et al.) and provide the same to your Attorney.

Cheri Timko, M.S.

Cheri Timko

Relationship Coach, Synergy Coaching

“You’re cheating!”
“Why are you lying to me?!?”
“I know you took it!”

Being falsely accused in any context is a nerve-wracking experience. Being accused by your partner is even more difficult. It is a delicate situation, regardless of which type of accusation is being leveled against you. You need to be careful about how you proceed.

Ask good questions that give you more information

First of all, being falsely accused means that there is a problem, but it is often hard to tease out the root. It is important that you understand what the accusations are before you answer them. You will need to ask good questions that give you more information.

In order to ask good questions, you need to stay calm and curious. Whatever you do, don’t be dismissive or blow them off.

Be open and transparent in your response

Secondly, it is important that you are open and transparent in your response. Most of us want to jump to our own defense immediately. You need to explain exactly what happened and why. Particularly if there has been a history of actual wrongdoing, transparency and openness will help build trust.

Have an open conversation about why this is coming up

Thirdly, start an open conversation about why this is coming up. There are several options to consider:

  • Are you doing something that makes your partner uncomfortable?
  • Do you have different ideas about how to behave in the relationship?
  • Do either of you have earlier relationship injuries that this situation is tapping into?
  • Is the accusation related to a deeper problem such as trust, respect, or communication?

Once you understand what is going on, you will need to explore how to adjust the relationship to deal with that core issue. If you have tried before, it might be time to bring in a neutral third party such as a relationship coach or couples therapist who can help you bridge each of your positions.

Just remember, your calm reaction to these accusations are an investment in the future of your relationship.

Erica Cramer, LCSW

Erica Cramer

Clinical Social Work/Therapist, Cobb Psychotherapy NYC

Determine the source and validity of the false accusations

The first thing to do with false accusations is to determine their source and validity.

  • Are they coming from a place of insecurity?
  • A reminder of a betrayal in a past relationship?
  • Or a factual situation in the current relationship?

If they are coming from a lifetime battle of low self-esteem or scars left from a partner in the past, it is important to consider if you are okay dealing with the baggage this person brings to their relationship with you.

Related: The 32 Best Books on Confidence and Self-Esteem

If you are, it is essential to validate the accusations (the person has a legitimate reason for feeling the way they do based on their history or certain evidence) and honestly discuss the accusations with them.

If they are accusing you of cheating because you are always working late, acknowledge that you understand the situation from their perspective but assure them it is not the case.

Do not get angry, defensive, or come up with all sorts of excuses and stories

Simply remain calm and tell them the truth. Hopefully, that will suffice, and you can both utilize this as an opportunity for growth in the relationship.

If they are constantly falsely accusing you of things you aren’t doing, it may be time to take a more aggressive approach (such as individual therapy for them or couples therapy for both of you). As is the case with all relationships, it is important to constantly evaluate the progression of the relationship and whether or not it is healthy for you to be in it.

Kelly Lynch, LCSW, EMT, CPT, PN-1

Kelly Lynch

Licensed Social Worker, Turning Point Wellness | Personal Trainer | Nutrition Coach | Life Coach

Understand the difference between something being about you vs. something being directed at you

As painful as false accusations are, and as much as the pain they create causes you to want to defend yourself, it’s not about you. False accusations are a representation of who the accuser is as they move through the world.

This can include people who struggle with trust, who tend to reject others before they themselves can be rejected; it can include people who struggle with self-worth, or at the extreme end, people who are abusive and engaging in gaslighting behavior.

When you know you are being falsely accused of something, it’s important to understand the difference between something actually being about you versus something being directed at you.

Something is only ever about you if it directly relates to the behavior you have actually engaged in, which impacted the world around you. Something being directed at you is typically a reflection of the person accusing you of the falsehood and where they’re at in their own lives.

It’s a projection of their own pain.

That being said – even if you recognize that the false accusation isn’t actually about you, but rather the other person, it’s still appropriate, healthy, and acceptable to set clear boundaries and expectations and to hold them accountable for their behavior.

Related: How to Deal With Someone Who Doesn’t Respect Boundaries

I highly recommend the book “The Four Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz for these types of topics.

Dr. Marie Murphy

Marie Murphy

Relationship Coach | Podcast Host, “Your Secret is Safe with Me”

Listen, ask clarifying questions, and see if you can respect their concerns without agreeing with them

Sometimes, even wonderful people who are generally quite reasonable get an idea in their head and can’t let go of it, and when this happens, they may accuse us of doing something they think we have done that we have not done.

It can be completely bewildering and frustrating to be falsely accused. We may be inclined to get angry at our accuser, become defensive, start to wonder if our partner trusts us about anything, or question the viability of the entire relationship.

Here’s the deal: sometimes people get strange ideas in their heads and latch onto them, and it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with them or with you. (An ongoing pattern of false accusations is another story and might be worthy of serious concern).

If you can listen to your partner’s accusations calmly without reacting, that alone may go a long way in defusing their concerns. Getting defensive right away won’t help anyone feel better.

Listen to them, ask them clarifying questions, and see if you can respect their concerns without agreeing with them. Give them the chance to say what they want to say. You might want to emphasize that you care about their feelings and want a trusting relationship (if these things are true).

Then, ask them if it’s okay for you to share your side of the story. Then do so, as calmly as possible.

They may be agitated, and you may feel agitated by being accused of something you didn’t do. But there’s still a tremendous opportunity for you to de-escalate the situation by staying calm and reasonable, even if the entire thing seems totally unreasonable to you.

People get confused at times, after all. We’re humans! We believe crazy stuff sometimes. It’s important to remember that to help keep things in perspective.

Elliott Katz

Elliott Katz

Coach | Speaker | Author, “Being the Strong Man a Woman Wants: Timeless Wisdom on Being a Man

It may be a sign to end the relationship and get going

Being in a relationship with someone who makes false accusations is a sign of a toxic relationship. If you’re with someone who has made false accusations against you — it is a sign to end the relationship and get going.

You’re entitled to be in a relationship with someone who has integrity. A person who makes false accusations does not have integrity.

If the person has already made false accusations against you before and you are still with that person, ask yourself: Why are you still there?

Why don’t you think you are entitled to someone who has integrity, respects you, and doesn’t make false accusations? It may be helpful to seek therapy on why you think you are not entitled to someone who has integrity.

If you are beginning a new relationship, listen to how your new partner talks about past relationships.

Did they make false accusations against previous partners? This is a big red flag. You may think you’re different, and they won’t make false accusations against you, but you may eventually be surprised. That person’s false accusations may cause a lot of trouble in your life.

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