When should you ask “Are we on the same page?”

October 3, 2020

This is an interesting conversation that we have with clients. It seems for the most part there are two categories when it come to this particular situation.  The first, is the new couple. This is where one of the two feel they are more invested than the other.  The second, is the couple who is maybe a year into their relationship and they have yet to be clear on where the relationship is going.  As matchmakers, it is usually clear to us exactly what is happening, once we have the information. This can be a tricky path to walk when you want to be sensitive to your client’s feelings.  You want to be supportive, yet truthful, so you avoid the client wasting their time in the wrong relationship.

Let’s start with the new couple of maybe a few months. They have been dating and are now in a committed relationship, yet they really have not had any discussions about future plans.  This usually comes up when one person in the relationship has stronger feelings and knows that  they may be more invested in the relationship than their partner.  What you have to do is have the client decide the following question, ” Are you ready to hear the answer if the answer is not what you want to hear?”  Once the client decides this is imperative for their continuing the relationship, then it is something we will encourage the client to do, in a tactful manner.  A blunt and aggressive tactic will only lead to a negative answer, regardless of how their partner feels.  The best approach would be for the client to discuss future plans with their partner  and see how their partner reacts.  If you feel they are not including you, and or, not interested in making future plans, than it is safe to say you need to be straight forward about questioning where you stand.  Usually your instincts on this are correct.  Make sure you ask this question in an environment that you feel comfortable and safe.  This way, if it is not what you want to hear, you don’t put yourself in an awkward situation.  If they are just not that into you, then you did yourself a favor and have moved yourself one step closer to where your’e supposed to be!

The second category is the couple who has been dating for a around a year and yet is not secure in where the relationship is going. This situation needs more sensitivity as to what is going on in lives of both parties. You also must take in account how well things have been going over the past year of the relationship.  First, you need to ask yourself if you are reading the situation correctly?  When you partner has been around your family and friends, these are great resources for you to get an omniscient point of view on things.  If you are working with a matchmaker, they will have feedback that can certainly lead you in the right direction as well.  If all signs are that there is an imbalance in the relationship, then it makes sense to share with your partner how you feel. I have always encouraged clients to make it about them, instead of pointing the finger at their significant other when having this conversation. This allows your partner to understand, rather than feel the need to defend. I promise you it will have a more favorable outcome and leave your partner feeling more open to this discussion.

There is no perfect or absolute advice on these situations.  You need to be true to yourself and listen to your instincts.  When you are feeling dis-ease in your relationship, pay attention and don’t evade and avoid what is happening.  Living in fear of what may come, is not a position you should ever allow yourself to stay in, for any length of time. Being brave and self advocating will always leave you with a better position, regardless of whether your partner is supportive of your relationship or not.  Stand up for what you deserve with grace and humility and you will get to exactly where your supposed be!

Here’s to a Happy & Healthy Dating Life!